EPISODE 34: BABY STEPS IN BUILDING BOUNDARIES WITH LAUREN RAINEY TENNEY
Live Date: November 23, 2020
Show Description: Heather is joined today by podcast host and boundaries coach Lauren Rainey Tenney. From relationships, parenting, and families, to beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, Lauren provides real talk for her followers’ hearts and souls, and she’s here to help you love to live and experience true freedom through the power of personal development. Heather and Lauren talk through boundaries of all kinds. From family dynamics, marriage, and friendships to holiday pressures and COVID-19 boundaries, Lauren shares how to baby step into having healthy, open conversations and setting boundaries for better relationships moving forward.
Biggest Takeaways:
Lauren says the driving force behind lack of boundaries is, often, that we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Lauren talks through several common scenarios in which people need to draw boundaries but have a difficult time doing it. One of those is with family members, in particular, parents. Here’s the approach Lauren suggests for placing boundaries on these relationships for the first time:
Lead with love. Boundaries that are put in place and shared with love and connection in mind will always be the healthiest boundaries.
Bring them into the conversation. Set a time to speak with your family member(s) and allow them to be a part of the planning and decision making.
Allow open communication. Part of boundaries includes open and kind conversation. Keep it civil, and the driving force should be healthy communication.
Whether it is family or friends, marriage or coworkers, Lauren says open communication and the energy you bring to that conversation is the most important aspect of setting healthy boundaries.
Talking about boundaries for the first time can be difficult, but Lauren reminds us:
Start with the relationship that causes you the most hurt but that you value the most.
Start with baby steps and small changes.
Meet people where they are.
The person you need to set boundaries with probably has no idea they are hurting you.
Nothing will change if you don’t talk about it.
Your relationship could be strained either way – whether you ignore the pain or talk it out.
You are responsible for your own feelings. And so are they.
Quotables:
“I think that over time, it kind of muddies the water into where you stop, and someone else begins. And, it kind of bleeds those together, and all of a sudden, it is your living life, your life, but it is not just yours. It’s everyone else’s, it seems.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 5:58
“I wanted so badly to have deep, meaningful connections that we could be honest with one another.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 7:49
“This is boundaries 101: you’re responsible for your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. No one else is responsible for that.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 18:18
“I keep thinking about how I have to advocate for my future self and our relationship down the road by stepping into the fear of the conversation now.” – Heather Adams 20:40
“I think that boundaries bring freedom.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 22:19
“You either have this conversation now, or you blow up, and you have a worse conversation later.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 31:00
“Hopefully, I’m not making it sound like it’s a piece of cake. It’s going to be met with resistance, but I’m going to repeat over and over again: What is the alternative? You weigh your pros and your cons, what is the alternative?” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 50:30
“We just let our ego do a lot of the talking. And if we would just, again, keep that in, keep our energy in check, and look at this person, remind ourselves: I love this person. This person is the most important person to me. And so they deserve for me to express my expectations for them.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 59:39
“I can understand that she may never change the way she says things or responds or reacts, but I can change the way I respond; the way I react.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 1:05:23
“A boundary is not a wall. It’s not a brick wall that protects your surroundings with no penetration at all. A boundary is a fence. It is a white picket fence with a pretty gate that you can open and close.” – Lauren Rainey Tenney 1:09:05
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